i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
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He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
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Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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