Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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