The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
