i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
So many bounce houses so little time
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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