my mouth tastes like poor choices
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
