just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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