And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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