whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
