I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
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