so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
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i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
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My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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