i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
