I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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