my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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