if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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