He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
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Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
My day in three words: secret purse cake
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
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Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
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