Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
