??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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