this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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