I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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