So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
