its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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