yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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