Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
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At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
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I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it