WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras