and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off