Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize