why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
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I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
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So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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