Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
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