I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
