He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
