he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
