you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
her facebook's as public as her vagina
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
