so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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