I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
