I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
