There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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