Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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