im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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