Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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