Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
