I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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