just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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