He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
