Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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