miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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