Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
