I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
