You can't special order awesome
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize