Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
