Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
