If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
