dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
