I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I believe in your delicious
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
