man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
