my room smells like sperm. sweet.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
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For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
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Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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