Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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