I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Is Oprah even human
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
