Cold hands, warm shart.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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