I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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