the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
It's never too late to be topless.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
